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01-Oct-2017 13:11

For 90 % of the people who will read the status, it doesn’t come near the red territory, which is all they care about. The other possible explanation is severe narcissism, as if somehow, because you’re you, even the smallest details of your life are interesting to others.

I’m going about my afternoon pleasantly, when I open my email and a friend has forwarded me what she calls a particularly heinous Facebook status from her news feed, written by someone we’ll call Daniel. I left my amazing job at NBC to move back to Chicago. I started yoga (thanks Jake Fisher & Jonah Perlstein! This process slots the author into one of four sub-categories: Core reasons for posting: Loneliness; Narcissism; Thinking a status update is supposed to be an actual status update Allow me to present a visual— “Finally finished my paper! Finishing your paper is green territory on the above chart, or if you had been working on it for a couple months, it might scrape the outer edges of the orange. I suppose it’s nice that Facebook gives a lonely person someone to tell their day to, and if these statuses didn’t come with the byproduct of reminding everyone else that life is meaningless and they’re gonna die someday, they wouldn’t have to be on this list.

The one very funny possibility when it’s a guy posting is that either he’s in trouble for something or that his girlfriend’s friend’s boyfriend pulled some shit like this at some point and his girlfriend has now been 10% mad at him ever since it happened, so he finally has to just bite the bullet. We’re talking about serious blue territory here, which means that even your mom doesn’t give a shit.

The only less-appalling possibility could be that it’s an attempt to strengthen the relationship itself by showing how you feel in a more substantial way than just saying it in private. You’re gonna drag 800 of us into this shit because you couldn’t find a more creative way to go over the top in expressing yourself?

This includes all humblebrags, indirect brags, brags disguised as a rant, etc.

Drank the best orange juice I’ve ever had with Davey Welch. Description: Like the blatant brags above except behind a frail disguise.

But instead of distancing myself from the horror, I soaked in it.

It was everything bad about everything, all at once.

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Core reasons for posting: Attention Craving I refuse to believe you feel a genuine outpouring of love for your 800 Facebook friends. Had a conversation about Barack Obama with David Gregory. Examples: Core reasons for posting: Attention Craving The fun part of these is watching the inevitable comments and then watching how the author responds to them, if at all. A fake congratulation from a bunch of people who aren’t emotionally invested in your struggle? But info about your schedule doesn’t do anything to craft your image or induce jealousy in anyone—so it just seems a lot like Attention Craving’s sad cousin, Loneliness.